Episode #6: Demystify the Mystical: Shadow Work

Welcome friend, thank you to everyone who listened to our four January launch episodes. And for those who took some time to drop a review, I appreciate it so much, reviews help us get bumped up into the “podcasts you may like” feature on apple podcasts and help new Innerspace servers find their way here.

So if you have time to review and you find a few free minutes, please do help us spread the love. My intention is that this podcast is a portal to share information, resources, practitioners, and business owners that inspire uplift, spark, joy, or light, a creative fire under your ass, a place where you listen to an episode, and then you go on your own inner space exploration. Uncovering which of these different modalities healing processes or creative exercises we share here that might help catalyze your next Uplevel or quantum leap.

I’m sharing a lot of my own personal stories to show some behind the scenes experiences with many of the modalities that I have tried that have helped me along my own multidimensional journey and a few that I have not yet tried.

I want to give you an inside peek. As I continue to evolve and grow the spirited cosmically created online business over at Kammiek.com. So let’s all take a deep breath shall we.

Okay. Let’s dive into episode 6! Brenee Brown says only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness, will we discover the infinite power of our light. Since February is the month of love, why not give yourself the greatest gift and add a little shadow work into your self love plans? So you might be thinking, I hear the term shadow work a lot, but what does it really mean?

Yeah, shadow work gets tossed around the wellness, healing, spiritual, and metaphysical world a lot these days. So let’s really break it down. Shall we? According to Geoffrey Scott, the CEO Sage, the shadow is the dark side of our personality because it consists chiefly of primitive, typically negative human emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness desire, and the striving for power.

All we deny in ourselves, whatever we perceive as inferior, evil, or unacceptable become part of the shadow. Scott’s got a great overview and guide available on his website and it looks like a healthiest, psychological-based perspective on shadow work. If you’ve not done much shadow work before his resources might be a great place to start checking.

We miss out on so much goodness and growth. When we sweep our shadow under the rug or stuff it in a closet or slam it shut in the basement with all of our other creepy shit that we have hoarding in our psyches and subconscious minds. We got to get those cobwebs all out of there. Our shadow self gets a bad rap though.

It’s actually any part of our personality that we’ve disowned neglected, shamed, or made wrong or bad. My first experience really diving deep into shadow work was back in 2005 and 2006. This was a period of major personal awakening and transformation, including a long and painful dark night of the soul period.

It was also some of the toughest and most emotionally charged years of my life. And while overall, I felt like I was healing and in a positive, upward direction. There were many moments where I straight up thought I was losing my damn mind. One of many resources that helped me dive deep and peel back. Some shadowy layers was Debbie Ford’s iconic book, the dark side of the light chasers.

Debbie transitioned in 2013, but I gotta believe she’s still doing her purpose work from the other side, as we’re collectively in the biggest display of the shadow surfacing for attention that we’ve ever seen. Well, we won’t get into that. Here’s the description of the book and Debbie’s ideas about the shadow self.

Debbie Ford believes that we each hold within us a trace of every human characteristic that exists the capacity for every human emotion. We are born with the ability to express this entire spectrum of characteristics, but Ford points out our families and our society send us strong messages about which ones are good and bad.

So when certain impulses arise, we deny them instead of confronting them, giving them a healthy voice and then letting them go. It is to these feelings that Ford turns our attention. These parts of ourselves that don’t fit the persona we’ve created for the rest of the world. She shows us the effects of living in the dark of keeping all our supposedly unsavory impulses under wraps.

We find ourselves disproportionately frustrated and angry at the selfishness of friends, the laziness of colleagues, the arrogance of siblings. I know we can all resonate with some of that, right. When we’re able to reconcile similar impulses in ourselves, Ford explains we waste our own energy, judging others instead of empathizing, but most importantly, we deny ourselves the power and freedom of living authentically through the stories and exercises in the dark side of the light chasers.

Debbie Ford shows us not only how to recognize our hidden emotions, but also how to find the gifts they offer us. The very impulses we most fear may be the key to what is lacking in our lives. Okay. So now that you have a better idea of what the shadow self really is, I’d like to share my personal experience using this book to excavate my own shadow, to explore my dark and twisty parts and how I integrated many qualities that I had previously deemed as bad dun dun dun.

Please know that this work is an ongoing lifelong process. A true dance with your shadow is around every corner. Because as soon as you release one layer, another one pops up to be explored. I cannot stress enough that if you begin to dive deeper into your shadow, it is highly recommended that you have a solid support system in place.

Consider working with a coach, a therapist, or a spiritual advisor. This work can be deeply triggering and can bring up repressed trauma or ancestral wounds. Your world will be rocked and many relationships, friendships and career situations may be challenged as old versions of you integrate, heal, or fall away.

And new versions of you emerge. Just know that there are many gifts to be received and that integrating these parts of ourselves is what helps us live more fully expressed and tapped into more of our unique superpowers. Okay. Let’s hop in the wayback machine in 2005 and 2006. I was transitioning from working full-time in academic affairs and teaching part-time to full-time teaching.

Major uplevel was coming. I worked at Lindenwood University, formerly Lyndon Wood College, which is also the same school I attended as an undergrad (go Lions). I was teaching classes like intro to public speaking, media, ethics, and intro to advertising. I was also working on 75 hours of life coach training through Coach You one of the top coach training schools. Going through coach training is no joke.

It can bring up many of your unhealed, unprocessed, and unlooked at dark and twisty parts. You essentially dump out your personal Pandora’s box on the floor and begin to look inquisitively at every aspect of your life and ask how’s that working for you. Keep in mind, coaching is not the same thing as traditional therapy.

In fact, many people work in conjunction with a therapist as sometimes coaching can trigger repressed or unprocessed trauma or intense emotions. It all really just depends on what type of coaching you’re doing and where you are along your personal healing and self-discovery journey. Amen to my coaching buddies, Katie Mattson Craig of Momentum Coaching and my sweet friend and artist Call McGonigal, both who held space for me and listened to me openly and wholeheartedly during those deeply transformational years, and gratefully, they still do.

I’m just going to drop you into the scene where I was in my life. When Debbie Ford’s incredible tool of a book found its way to me. You know, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. As I said, I was deep into my coach training and peeling back the onion, a few things that were already popping up for me were regularly feeling a bit of nausea or a blockage in my throat.

When I wanted to speak up, it happened in work meetings. It happened with friends. It happened with the person I was in an on-again-off-again dysfunctional relationship with, it happened with a family member. It was happening all the time. I would literally freeze up and shut down. I would feel sick to my stomach and not be able to say what I wanted to say.

Now I understand much of this was rooted in fear of saying something. The other person wouldn’t like fear of feeling judged for having an opposing opinion, fear of not being liked. Lots of fears about what other people think? What if they don’t like me? What if they leave me et cetera? And to be clear while I am way better at using my voice and speaking my truth today.

Obviously, I’m here on this podcast, sharing this with you. It’s still a deep rooted shadowy aspect, and I’m constantly dancing with my shadow to overcome those restricting thoughts. Another regular occurrence during that time period has happened to me many times just before. I’m about to bust through another personal glass ceiling and uplevel.

In fact, it’s actually happening to me in the past several weeks. So here’s what was happening. I would open up my closet and not feel like any of my clothes were me in 2005 and 2006. I didn’t really have a solid personal style. I wasn’t the former version of me, but I wasn’t the me that I was becoming.

I could feel the future me. The one who was working with coaching clients and stepping into my first coaching business who was teaching full time at the college, she was much more clear on how she communicated who she was via her personal style. She expressed so clearly that just by seeing her walk by on the street or sitting at a coffee shop, someone could instantly pick up her vibe, energy and intentions about who she was and how she showed up in the world.

I remember standing in front of my closet and saying, whose clothes are these? I don’t want to wear any of this, but I would be super frustrated because I had no idea what I did want to wear. I totally remember some of my early passion meets purpose coaching website photos. I wore this one top because I thought it’s what the coach version of me was supposed to look like, but I wasn’t really tuned into my authentic self yet.

So it all really just felt like smoke and mirrors. Ah, sweet 2005, 2006 KK. She was trying so hard. And that’s the thing, I was trying so hard. I hadn’t really tapped into my next level intuition skills or trusting the signs and synchronicities that were coming to me. I was aware of them, but I kept trying to make things happen back then versus surrendering and allowing the flow of the co-creative process with source to guide the way, as I do now.

So control-freak overachiever, good girl, perfectionist all described shadowy layers that were triggered hardcore back then. And obviously I’m still working to dismantle layers of these aspects even now. Okay. So I had the book on hold at the library. It has been recommended by a friend as a resource that might help me process through some of the stuff that was coming up for me.

I was at work and at the time I shared an office with a coworker who was on the surface, very different than me. No surprise. I was all glam red or fuchsia lipstick hair maxed out. I remember lots of form-fitting tops and knee-length skirts and boots combos. My office mate, she wore traditional polo-type shirts, Dockers or khakis, and loafers.
She even would wear the occasional Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt on casual Fridays. She wasn’t into makeup or trendy hairstyle. So where I was yoga and meditation and tiny Buddha statues on my desk, she was fishing and hunting, and tiny Disney desk mates one afternoon during this very emotionally charged time, I started to feel the sensation rise up in my throat.

Again, I got nauseous and I started to feel my heart racing. I got hot all over. My legs began to tingle and I was lightheaded and dizzy. Unbeknownst to me, I was having a panic attack type of episode. It started to float up and out of my body. I was literally hovering above her and I in the office and watching the activity and hustle bustle of the students as they were swirling in and out of our office.

I was super freaked out. How am I down there? And up here? I thought I literally was watching myself talk to her and other students who were stopping in to ask us questions about their schedules and their records, but then something else started to happen in my awareness. I felt that she and I were the same.

We looked different on the surface and our personalities appeared to be quite opposite, but I tuned into her energy field. And on that level, we were one, it was definitely an odd experience for me at the time. Now I’m used to odd experiences and I knew I needed to get out of there. Somehow. I managed to say to her, I’m heading out to grab a coffee.

I’ll be back in a bit. I grabbed my keys and my purse and I hopped in my car to a quaint coffee shop down the street. I knew I needed some space and I had to get back in my body. After chugging some water and sipping on some hot tea. I figured caffeine wasn’t the smartest choice once I got there. I then had a very serendipitous conversation with an attractive stranger.

I won’t share the details, but I know he was sent there to help calm me down and transition through that heightened, emotional state. He was truly an angel disguised as a handsome distraction. Once I left the coffee shop, I stopped at the library and picked up the book. I knew I needed to dive into it ASAP.

So I wrapped things up at the office and I headed home. I took a hot shower, put on my coziest jammies, ate a light snack, poured a glass of wine, and then lit my candles. I grabbed my journal and a pen. I grabbed my blanket and secured my spot on the couch to dive in. Now I’ll preface this by saying, I’m quite sure you’re not supposed to plow through this dynamic book in one sitting, but that’s pretty much what I did after a lifetime of not wanting to look at my shadow side.

I decided it was time to jump into the deep end headfirst. There are many exercises Debbie uses to unlock these wounded chambers of our hearts. Here are a few exercises that I dug into. She has you look through pages and pages of trigger words, some words you may have little to no reaction to, other words, you will have a more immediate reaction to, you might see a word and feel anger, sadness, anxious, scared, threatened, or you might feel silly, joyful, playful, or happy.

She asks you to identify several words that you had a negative response to. My big word was bitch. Yep. The good girl in me, the one that always wanted to be liked, loved and respected was so scared of people thinking I was a bitch. Once I got through this exercise though, I understood that in neglecting and not looking at my bitch, I was also negating my bitch.

How many times can I say, bitch, I have a couple more future KK was going to do big things in her career and in business, and she couldn’t be a doormat. So I needed to own my inner bitch and trust that when I needed to call her forth in moments where I felt weak or disempowered, I would tune into her and channel my inner bitch energy.

Mm Hm. Thank you. Debbie Ford. I now have a very healthy relationship with this aspect of my personality. In the next exercise, you visualize getting onto a bus jam, packed with people. It’s hot, there’s no AC it’s stinky and uncomfortable. You’re guided to look at each and every person on that bus, you’re asked to describe in detail what they look like, what they smell like, what they sound like if they’re talking, what are they saying?

Are they smoking cigarettes or eating? Are there animals on there? Are there screaming babies? You’re asked to notice all the things, what things are pulling your attention, what emotions are coming up for you are these all strangers, or are some of them people that you know too? You’re asked to journal out anything and everything that comes up for you about the people on the bus.

Once you get to the end of the exercise, it is revealed to you that surprise everyone on that bus is you. Yep. Congrats babe. You just revealed a whole lot of judgment. Every stereotype, every judgy thought that passed through your mind. First, you placed it on that imaginary person. But beyond that, you just revealed a whole lot of judgment about yourself and how you really feel about those very aspects of you.

While this revelation can feel icky, there’s no shame. It’s all just information and data. Now, you know a lot more than you did before about deeper layers of self-judging. Because this whole process starts with judgments you have about other people, but welcome home friend. This whole freaking journey is about you. Okay. The next exercise, establishing and getting familiar with your higher self, your happy place and your darkest self and your scary place.

You ready to dimension hop. Debbie guides you to imagine getting into an elevator and pressing down. I think I pressed seven. So in this part of the exercise, you imagine the doors open and it’s the darkest dirtiest scariest place. You can imagine. I’m a super visual person. Thus, my strong clairvoyant gift that I shared in episode one.

So when the elevator doors opened, it was like, poof. I had been transported into the bowels of the New York city sanitation tunnels. It was dark. There was water dripping down the walls. It smelled horrible. And the sound was of screeching metal and loud banging noises. I walked for quite a bit. And then I saw a version of me homeless, filthy dirty in a dingy hooded sweatshirt and beat up jeans.

I had a torn beanie hat on and no shoes. I even had a mangy dog at my side. So interesting that even in my shadow visions, I’ve had a dog. I could feel the energy of this version of me. And she was raw, scared, traumatized, almost feral. As I walked by her, she lashed out and tried to bite me. I looked at her and the tears just started flowing out of her.
This was a culmination of all the wounded, scared raw parts of me that had been neglected, forgotten, looked over and discarded. I wanted to hold her and tell her that she was loved, but she wouldn’t let me near her as she was in pure survival and fight or flight mode. So I walked back to the elevator and pressed the up button after arriving back from that place, I stopped journaling and just let the tears pour out.

Okay. Let’s all take another deep breath… again.

We’re getting deep here. Okay. Next, Debbie, has you do the exact opposite. You imagine getting into an elevator and pressing up. I press 7. Once you arrive, you’re asked to imagine your happy place somewhere that feels safe and soothing somewhere you can rest and relax and be at peace. Here you will meet your highest self or a more actualized version of you.

One that embodies who you desire to become more of. Once I got off the elevator, I was immediately in a beautiful lush Zen guard. Full of trees and exotic flowers, butterflies were floating by and relaxing fountains were trickling and there were benches to sit on. This garden was on a cliff, overlooking the ocean, and the view was breathtaking.
I could hear birds chirping. There was a slight breeze flowing through the trees and the ocean waves below were crashing onto the beach.

And then I saw me, my higher self. She was radiant. I mean, she was literally glowing and lit from within. She was walking through the garden, picking flowers. She had long golden blonde hair cascading down her back, full pink lips, sparkling crystal clear blue eyes.
And she looked healthy and toned. She was wearing red satin pants and her feet were bare. She walked with purpose, confidence oozed out of her. She had a slight smile on her lips and seemed to be at peace. Her energy was both electric and grounded. I was drawn to her like a magnet. She looked over at me, smiled and waved me over.

I walked to her and she handed me a flower. She didn’t speak to me with words, but I could feel from her pure love, joy and acceptance. I heard the words I adore you and started to cry both in my vision. And in real life, she leaned in to kiss the tears from my cheek, hugged me tight and then looked me square in the eyes.

I knew from her smile, that all was well. And that I was safe. I smiled back at her through a flood of tears and she squeezed my hands and walked away. After I arrived back from the elevator, I journaled out pages and pages of my experience with both versions of me, it was intense and super cathartic.

So the final exercise that I powered through that night was the integration of both the darkest shadowy itself and the highest self I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It was intense, deep shadow excavation, but by far, one of the most healing processes that I’ve ever gone through, Debbie guides you back to the elevator where you hop in and go back up to your happy place.

For me, it was that same cliffside, Zen garden, overlooking the ocean, the doors opened and I stepped right back into the garden. I walked through the path towards one of the benches and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the feral version of me hiding behind some bushes. She was curious about me this time and I could tell she wanted to connect.
I sat on the bench and patted the seat next to me to let her know it was okay for her to join me. She cautiously crept out from the bushes and slowly walked over to me. She sat down on the far end of the bench and stared at me a short time later. The lady in red version of me walked towards us and took a seat on the bench.

On my other side, she smiled at us both and then grabbed my hand. I then used my other hand to try to hold my shadow’s hand. Initially, she pulled away, but slowly she allowed me to touch her. There we were the three versions of me holding hands on this bench in my imaginary happy place. I could feel our collective hearts beating and eventually the heartbeats synced up as one.

And then it started to rain. It was a soft rain at first and then a true springtime downpour. The lady in red stood up and walked over to a patch of grass. She laid down on it and motioned for us to join her. We did and laid down next to her. The three of us, once again, grabbed hands and squeezed tight.

We all started to cry as the rain washed over us. It washed off the touch of makeup from the lady in red. It washed off all the dirt from my shadow self. And as both of these versions of me were washed. They slowly started to dissolve and fade away. I was overcome with a wave of pure love energy, and a huge sob racked through my body.

I heard the words you are love, and then both of them were gone. After a long time, I returned to the elevator and back to my current now, a sobbing, snotty mess. I’m not sure how long I cried on that couch or how many pages it took me to journal through that experience. I’m sure I slept most of the rest of that weekend.

Sometimes. I wish I had kept that journal other times, I’m grateful I didn’t. Even sharing these stories now brings up a tangle of emotions, but I’m forever grateful to multidimensional me and the versions I once was. I’m glad that this version of me here in 2021 had the strength and courage to share this very intimate memory about a very vulnerable experience with you.

I know that in sharing my own story. That you might feel even just a little more courageous to dive deep into your own shadow. The beauty of being human is this divine dance between dark and light. We’re both and not this or that. It takes all the colors of the spectrum to make a rainbow. And those colors are all within each of us.

So just remember every time your finger out declaring that person is a bleep bleep bleep, that you’ve got four fingers pointing right back at yourself. And that right there just might be a place to love up on and explore your shadow a bit. I hope this episode was of value for you. If you were inspired or moved in some way, please share a review on Apple Podcasts.

Also, feel free to send me a message and let me know some of your thoughts as always I’ll link all of the books and resources discussed in the show notes on the podcast page KammieK.com. Thank you so much for sharing your time and space with me today and for tuning in.

If you enjoyed this episode of the Cosmic Innerspace Podcast, please leave a review on Apple podcasts or share this episode with a friend I’d love to stay connected with you on Instagram, you can find me @KammieK.

That’s K A M M I E K D O T C O M. Where I share a lot more cosmic goodness, on Instastories and I’m at Cammie k.com on Facebook. And of course, we can always stay connected via the cosmics interspace mothership over on the blog@kammiek.com. Okay. Until next time friend, I’m sending you Stardust and so much love.